They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This particular one is only worth four, the sum of which explains the entire trip:
I'm pretty sure it all started as a normal night.
I had put off drinking for the entire day because of the massive hangover I had woken up with. But it was getting dark. The hangover had subsided. Plus the dinner wait was a good 15 minutes and the view from the outdoor bar was rather nice.
Crown and Coke.
I had the red snapper and crab cakes with a side of coleslaw. It didn't sit well and took some time to get down, but it was our last night there. Going home early was not an option.
We hit the tiki bar that we had partied at the night before. It was right on the water and had a good cover band, so we figured that would be a good place to start the evening. My voice was already pretty much shot from the previous night's sing-a-long to the likes of Bon Jovi and 311, but that wasn't enough to stop me from screaming at the top of my lungs to Outkast's Hey Ya.
Hey fellas...What's cooler than cool?
3 Rum Runners.
That did the trick. I decided to stick to those rather than the Jagermeister shots that had almost killed me the night before. So after belting out some Brian Adams we grabbed a cab and made our way a couple miles north to Hog Heaven. Billed as the only dance club between Miami and Key West, the Hog offered the best in today's hip hop and techno (try dancing to that in flip flops). Not to mention, the Hog is a very popular spot with the women.
I've never been too big on dance clubs. I'm much more of a bar guy. I did hear a good remix of 'In da Club' however. But after much debate we decided to call another cab and make our way further south to Woody's, the local strip club.
This is where the night took an unusual turn.
I've been to a number of strip clubs in my day, but this one was unlike any other. Take Porkey's, throw in some Blues Brothers and add a dash of From Dusk Till Dawn. Woody's consisted of myself, my two friends Scott and Steve, two guys who looked like truck drivers that had been sitting there since 1979, a waitress, a bartender, two 'dancers' and a band named Big Dick and the Extenders. Big Dick was a fat, toothless guy with a guitar who hated his ex-wife and sang songs about how much he hated his ex-wife.
I decided to sit in the back, away from the 'dance' floor, as the two stripper chicks scared me. I can't put my finger on the exact reason why, but let's just say talent this far south of Miami is probably hard to come by.
We sat in the back, sipped our drinks, listened to Big Dick and watched some boxing highlights on the tv at the bar. Between songs, Big would tell us stories about his evil ex-wife and how hot he thought 'Candy' the 'dancer' was. He said she was so hot that if she stood on her head "butterflies would fly out of her pu**y with cocaine on their wings."
Classy joint, that Woody's.
The boxing show ended, as did Big Dick's set, so there was really no reason for us to be in there any longer. We were a long way from the condo. The tiki bar had already closed. The Hog was an option, but we had just left there an hour ago. So we decided to take a walk. That's the cool thing about the Keys...you can walk around at 2:30 in the morning and feel safe. Try doing that in Miami. On second thought, don't.
About a mile up the road, we came upon a little hole in the wall called Slimey's. It was open so we walked in.
Corona. No lime.
About half way though the beer, the owner of the bar was looking for people who wanted to go with him down the road to a different bar. In my drunken state, I told him that we would gladly go with them. So we did. Without thinking, we jumped in some strange van with a group of strange people.
They seemed friendly enough....
We finally arrived at some other hole in the wall and offered to buy the guys a drink to thank them for the ride. It was here when one of them told us that he was part owner of of a number of bars on the island and pays for nothing. So he, in turn, ordered us something free of charge.
Random shot of something that tasted bad.
The place looked like a normal bar. A group of good 'ol boys not wearing any shoes playing pool. Welcome to the Keys, fellas.
I pulled up a seat next to a video poker machine and set a new record on the erotic trivia quiz. After that, some guy started showing us his photo album. It was at this point that I thought I had maybe passed out at the strip club and all of this was a weird dream.
Sadly, it wasn't.
The photo album consisted only of pictures of women this guy had managed to convince to strip naked inside the bar. Could've been worse I guess.
As I got to the very end of the album however, I was informed that the last picture was of a girl that his friend had taken out on a boat, cut her head off and then threw the body into the ocean. I waited for him to laugh, but he instead took the album back straight faced and walked away.
Needless to say, the night quickly ended after that with a pay phone call to a local cab company.
We're planning on going back at the end of the summer. I hope my high score still stands.